Dedicated to Olga.
You have to be quick with your eyes. There are two methods: the scattershot approach in which you scan the room quickly to see whose gaze you can capture and the targeted kill in which you stare intently at one chosen victim. In either case, at a crowded El Beso on a Sunday night, those first few bars of the tango are crucial if you want to catch a good dancer’s eye. Only seconds into the first song of the tanda, many of the desirable men are already nodding at luckier women than you and striding purposely across the dance floor to the seats where the women sit demurely waiting for them. You need to shoot one down before the whole flock has flown. Because before long the floor will be full of couples, a thicket of bodies blocking your line of sight. It’s Di Sarli and you know just whose long, smooth strides would fit this music perfectly. But he is so far away, in the opposite corner of the room. Luckily, though, he is a master of the long-distance cabeceo. He turns, catches your eye, smiles, nods. You are in luck. But, as he approaches your table, a doubt begins to form. Your neighbour’s eyes are glinting, her legs uncrossing, her bottom inching forward on the seat. But no, she is mistaken. You are the chosen one: he comes to stand right in front of you, grinning broadly. You clamber clumsily past your neighbours, squashed together thigh to thigh, and the two of you shuffle into position amid the throng of couples. Alberto Podestá starts to sing. You close your eyes and abandon yourself to the dance.
Love this post!!! I wish I would have read it before my trip to BsAs – it would have saved me a lot of embarrassment at one of the milongas, where I got up without waiting for the guy to approach my table… Turned out his cabeceo was meant for someone else
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. You live and learn from your mistakes…
I had to leave milonga shortly to salvage whatever was left of my dignity
I´ve had that experience too, Olga. In fact, once I was at the milonga La Baldosa and I leapt to my feet, only to find that the guy in question was actually signalling to the woman behind me. I was mortified. And then a miracle happened. A guy spotted my humiliation and rushed across the room to dance with me. What a gentleman!
In my case, my husband had to be begged to come to my rescue – he just learned a few basic steps on that trip, so he was extremely uncomfortable on the dance floor. But I just couldn’t sit down once I got up to answer that cabeceo – I had to eaither leave immediately or walk to the dance floor. So, we ended up dancing that tanda and left right after it. I don’t understand Spanish well, but I could understand well enough that a lady sitting at the next table was saying that I ended up dancing with a much better looking partner – it was very nice of her to be supportive of my silly situation
This all happened at Lo De Selio (I am sure my spelling is wrong). It was a very small milonga compared to Nino Bien, which is located a few blocks from it (on Humberto 1, closer to Callao) – it seemed very traditional to me with the average age of dancers hovering between 6o’s and 70′s, and I couldn’t spot a single tourist there (whereas at Nino Bien I saw two tables of New Yorkers, which made me confused for a brief moment).
Yes, all it takes is one embarrassing experience where you stand to dance and it’s actually your seatmate who received the cabeceo.
Always stay seated till the man comes up to your table, that’s the rule. But I wouldn’t bother getting too embarrassed if you make a mistake with the cabeceo since it happens all the time. Most people are too busy with their own cabeceos to even notice.
I’ve also had the reverse – two women standing up as I walk across the room… difficult, as both were ladies I’ve danced with before… and both were friends of each other. But I stuck to my original intent, promising (with a smile) the next ‘free’ tanda to her friend… These mistakes seem to happen all the time (not just to me) and things seem to be fine, provided all parties manage to keep a some sort of sese of humour. Diffcicult I know, in the heady atmosphere of a milonga, but a smile always seems to help…
You’re quite right, Alan, with a sense of humour everything turns out just fine. It was very gentlemanly of you to offer the next ‘free’ tanda to the other friend. I think that’s a nice touch in these situations (that goes for women too, if two men approach you at once). This can happen fairly often, as guys who are good dancers tend to cluster together at many milongas, so often there will be two men, with both of whom I enjoy dancing, sitting next to each other.
This ‘cabeceo’ doesn’t work for me. Being short sighted(but not half blind) I wouldn’t be able tell if a lady nods acceptance to dance with me or not, so I tend to directly ask the ladies I know and are close by. BTW I have tried it, so I’ll stay away from B.A.
Glenn, if you can’t use cabeceo, it’s true that you would have to stay away from more formal milongas like El Beso where there is no other option. But — I don’t know your age and dance preferences — at many of the more informal milongas, such as Tangocool and Milonga 10, asking women verbally is an option, too. Although, even there, some women prefer to be asked only by cabeceo. I feel for the shortsighted, though. And once a friend spent a miserable couple of weeks unable to get any dances when he broke his glasses and was waiting for replacement specs.
Thanks for the tip. I have no idea what or where El Beso is and I try and always avoid any places that are snobbish or that are cliquey. I will dance with anyone except ‘dance snobby’ women that think they are god’s gift to dancing.
Glenn, my experience here in Buenos Aires is that most male and female dancers find it very important to exercise free choice in their dance partners. I don’t consider this snobby, just a question of caring about the quality of their dance experience. I personally do not like to dance with any man who makes me feel physically uncomfortable or hurts me, isn’t listening to or dancing with the music, doesn’t use dissociation or collides with other leaders a lot, so that I risk injury. In fact, I will only dance with men who have qualities in their leading that I can enjoy. They needn’t be perfect leaders. I enjoy dancing with a wide range of people. But they do need to have some minimal skills. I imagine that makes me a snob in your eyes and I’m sure you would consider me “one of those women who think they are God’s gift to dancing.”
As this is an interesting point, let me enlarge on it a little. Here in Buenos Aires — and in other tango communities — there are tango dancers are all levels. If you ask the women at your own level, they will probably dance with you and enjoy the experience. However, if you want to dance with the best followers (and the tone of your comment implies that you do — or why would they upset you?), the way to do so is to improve your own dancing, in order to make it a nice experience for both of you.
On a more practical level, you could visit Buenos Aires and spend your time at practicas and informal milongas where verbal invitation is acceptable and/or where it’s possible to move around during the cortinas (so you can position yourself at a distance which makes cabeceo possible for you, with your particular eyesight). I use El Beso here as an example of how cabeceo works at a more formal milonga. You don’t need to know where El Beso is and this description is not specific to that milonga only. In any case, good luck and happy dances.
Thanks again for your comments. I take my dancing very seriously and do my utmost to perfect a good lead. I think our paths will never cross as I doubt very much if I will ever visit Buenos Aires. I treat Milongas as a social occasion and a dance, a place to meet old friends and have fun and enjoyment listening and dancing to wonderful music. I think we look at dancing from different view points. Be well, X. Oops.. I should have blinked, nodded or something else. G.
Thanks, Glenn. Sorry if I got a bit carried away in my answer to your comment. Actually, it wasn’t all directed at you, but some of it at other leaders whom I have encountered with rather hostile, misogynistic attitudes towards women. I suppose you gave me more of an opportunity to voice some thoughts on something which I feel rather strongly about. I don’t know you personally, so I cannot judge your dancing and shouldn’t have judged your attitude. Please accept my sincere apologies!
I still think you should not rule out the possibility of visiting Buenos Aires one day. In any case, until then I wish you every success and happiness with your dancing.